i have a bad habit.
actually, i lie, i have numerous bad habits.
i sleep with my contacts in.
forget to wash my face.
i cuss far to much
i press the snooze button at least 3 times every morning
i feel the immense need to always please everybody
i chew my nails when i’m nervous
i eat ice cream for breakfast
i get worked up about things i can’t control
and sometimes i drink too much
i’m not going to make some cliche statement about how i think my flaws are “what make me beautiful”. a lot of my flaws piss me right off, but alas, they stitch me together and make me who i am, for better or for worse. the thing about flaws and habits is being able to recognize them. they’re either cute and unique or they’re trouble some and need to be fixed.
this weekend, i truly have realized one of my worst habits.
i put seemingly painful or annoying things off…you know, procrastination. but unlike most people’s procrastination that stems from laziness, mine stems from something else.
i put things off that seem uncomfortable or painful because i know completing them will take me to the next step, a step i don’t know where it leads, a step i probably haven’t figure out yet, a step that scares me.
i have exactly 9 more days left until i am completely done with school for the semester. nine more days. 2 quizzes, 1 research paper, 1 group project and 4 finals away from being done. i am so close i can feel the freedom on my face. all i have to do is commit to studying and doing the work and the days will come, time will pass and it’ll all be over before i know it. yet this weekend, i literally did everything in my power to avoid doing anything associated with my school work.
i washed the dishes
walked my dog
read a book
watched the first 2 seasons of lie to me on netflix
organized my closet
cleaned my kitchen
called old friends
drank a whole bottle of wine in one sitting
i did everything imaginable but school work. not only could i not bring myself to get up and go to a coffee shop to study i could not even bring myself to open up my book or notebook as i sat on the couch. i did so many things i don’t normally do (facebook creep?? umm not since senior year of high school. organize my closet? never have i ever. washing the dishes? not unless there’s a gun to my head.) you might be thinking to yourself i’m just a lazy pile and need a good swift kick in the ass, and well, maybe you’re right, maybe i do need a kick in the ass, but it won’t be because i’m lazy. it’ll be because i need to stop acting like my putting things off will somehow give me a better grasp on what’s to come.
i’m a control freak. i like set plans and short manageable lists, and i like to know how everything is going to work out before it starts. honestly, your 20′s are pretty much the time of your life when things are going to be the exact opposite of this. the plans are loose and vague. lists are too short and then uncontrollably long, and very rarely are we ever really going to know how things are going to work out when we first start them. putting off difficult or trying things doesn’t make them any less difficult or trying, and it doesn’t make the future any more clear. life comes at you and it doesn’t stop for your anxiety or your worries or your fears. doing what needs to be done isn’t always easy, but it will take you to the next step, whatever the step may be. you might not have any idea of the challenges, the growth, or the joys that come, but do what needs to be done, and beautifully, and just they way they are suppose to, the steps will keep coming.
i think i just gave myself my swift kick in the ass….